MASTER BATH

she sticks out her palm in a plaintive gesture
and i want to lick it
a fawn on a salt cube
and strip the opaque white polish off the
other side’s nails

she bends her neck
and lowers her head
to untie the red threaded bracelet at her wrist
first with her tongue to grab hold of the cabled strands
then with her teeth to pull the knot apart
as it is loosed, her eyes relax on the lower half of my face

has she noticed the dot of blood on my upper lip?
an ungainly shaving accident
a spot about which i’ll tell her
i wanted to show a bit of color for you
this is me showing my true self
i wasn’t able to before but i can now
this is what you’ve brought out of me
this is what i give you
so this is what we have

in this emotional hierarchy
some endure pain needlessly
and that hurt is passed down and across
we are all sensitive people
and ally shoulder-to-shoulder and head-to-toe
to share the brunt
while ours is crystal, obvious
his is self-contained, bound within
with no means for expression
i let him suffer in his opaque shell
what else could i do?
i was there though
present and touching
his last beard, his worked skin, his fine temples

a glorious 16-hour burst of reserve energy
saw the most important conversation
and the most impotent
[what i want to do with my life after his has ended]
with thumbs up and head nods to convey approval
this transitioned to a period of slumped silence
and ushered the thought that breaks you daily
an idea that you cannot resolve
the possibility that pours over you
is this
what if he was scared in the final moments
had he had the ability to move, to speak, to emote
would he have screamed? would he have thrashed in his bed?
would he have pounded his fists on his chest?
would he have acted the same way had he breath?
what did he feel awaited him?

looks of helpless love
not loving, helplessly
but love for one you cannot help
we shared the last seconds in peace
and i stepped out of the room
to take distance from the flames
wood burns so easily

The Finally Acknowledged Repetition of a Sunrise

61MB — 41min — [download]

01 Patten // Version (test mixxx)
02 Teengirl Fantasy // Portofino
03 Videohippos // The List
04 French Kicks // New Man
05 Rivers // Sleeping States
06 Avozinho // Mama Divua Diame
07 Vitalic // Trahison
08 HEALTH // WE ARE WATER
09 Dead Wife // Junk demo
10 Urinals // Hologram
11 Thee Oh Sees // If I Had A Reason
12 Os Bongos // Lena

+ more compilations here

you should be humbled to realize the infinitely small chances that you, as you, are here today it is not a miracle, but mere, beautiful luck miracles are the province of those comfortable without knowing an explanation not wanting to know it, even we are not in their company we know our fortunate lineage we know the intersecting streams of probability that offered the suitable circumstances for our being we know that it is just as likely to be us as it is to be them and we know why we’re here it’s been clear since our first breath: to capitalize on our existence [a state of existence that is a precursor to our essence] and fashion our essence alone and together we’re all products of evolution whether we accept that or not but a long line of successes does not mean that we can rest now with such weighty ancestry what can we claim as our own? i say, nothing but our actions and their consequences in the selection of a moment to assert agency and the active prioritization of a direction ‘now’ and ‘forward together’ are always the best conditions an engendered collaboration forged out of clarity of will informed compromise and the sobering realization that there is no other way

i keep mentioning france
and it’s bound to do me in
a crimson-colored shadow
over what i say and do
french don’t like americans, he says
then questions the patriotism
of somebody who would readily die for their country
if the cause was true and just
as a revolutionary cause must be
since it would take a cultural revolution to save this country
this is the wrong approach to take
when he, independently, is able to identify
deep problems, concerns, worries about his and our country
yet, though he’s able to neither confront or defend these issues
he is comfortable attacking those who choose to take action
to leave, to start anew in a place of honest merit and potential
as our ancestors, themselves, did
in the decision to cross an ocean
if you don’t like things, you leave
why should i be constrained by my country of birth
as if it’s a socio-cultural tether on my work and life and love
ridiculous
i will go where i choose to for reasons that only need be valid to me
my morals, my understanding of freedom
my sense of the potential future for my children unborn
our country
it’s not right, it’s not perfect, it’s not ideal
there are better choices
to deny change is to accept the socio-cultural climate as it is
that is a resignation of reality which i cannot conform to
keep traversing your elite hills, son
and we’ll talk when you’re done with your luxury runs
i’ll have the guest bedroom prepared for you

maybe we can in the garden
pretend we’re dancing
under your parasol
we can again have
custody of our affection
as we can only be generous with our own love
and we are
we shall not live in vain

it’s dead
lying alone in lithium-soaked bedding
and i’m shaking it
with my sputtering mouth, i scream
just read my last poem, please
it’s positive

saying goodnight
saying goodnight
at a doorway
walking home
immature feeble grasping attempts at love
this bathroom’s hollow, vaguely floral smell captures it
and through the tile removed from the wall
i can hear
murmurs and sighs
laments
from across seas and estuaries
through foreign pipes
from there to here
this scent
belonged in our home
in the bathroom where i lost you every night
every night your fucking yankee candles
and fragranced shampoos would remind me
she’s not yours
wash your face
come in your palm
and go to sleep

the oxbowing affairs
the veneration of indecision
the confused sincerity
behind most of the drastic, dispassionate mistakes
that girls make

wherever i carry you these days
it’s certainly not in my heart

they stay pretty for so long
they eat salads every day
they’re comfortable wearing bikinis half of the year
is it cold?
it doesn’t matter, it’s hot.
they lie on beds
and in their heads
arrange rooms for shadowplay on their lithe bodies
candle light spectacles
why don’t you come over for a nap.
i’ll put the curtains closed just so
i can see what i want of you.
do you like these crystals hanging from the chandelier?
they’re from overseas.
they earn a place
from doing so little
we venerate their cooper’s ligaments
in blood quick poems
but doesn’t anyone realize they’re lying?
it’s a spectacle of nail polish and suggestions
something to consider for a night
then recognize your lack of enthusiasm
the following morning

new compilations

Auto-Affection — 55MB —

1 Faunts // Feel.Love.Thinking.Of.
2 Géraldine // Enrôle toi dans mes bras
3 Thrushes // Heartbeats (The Antlers remix)
4 Foals // Electric Boom
5 Ruth // Roman Photo
6 Michna // Triple Chrome Dipped
7 Liquid Vega // Black Thunder
8 The Antlers // Two
9 Cotton Jones // Gotta Cheer Up

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Cat Heart — 21MB —

1 SCREENS // saturdays 4 eva
2 HEALTH // Die Slow
3 Comanechi // Death of You
4 Brutal Knights // I Wanna Die
5 A. H. Kraken // Verschwende Deine Jugend
6 Huoratron // $$ Troopers
7 Kola Kid // Contra88
8 Battletorn // Headbreaker
9 Fiasco // I Wanna Be Your Cat